[Update] My book

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

As some people may know, I am writing a book. Even fewer people will know that it is the sequel to my sort-of finished (but un-published) book named Tommy and the Dragon, and the second in a trilogy. They are fantasy/sci-fi novels that follows a young boy as he sets out on a quest for revenge, but ultimately finds out that the entire world is in danger, and that he may be the only one who can save it(although, it turns out that he isn't). While I shall not reveal a page of my current book at this time, I would like some peoples' opinions on two pages from Tommy and the Dragon. No one outside of my family has ever read it. While I plan to type up and print a copy for a girl named Shirly (sorry if I somehow spelled your name wrong. Not that you're reading this.) to read, you will be one of a few people to ever read some of the original, non-rewritten version of Tommy and the Dragon. The pages being two that I call "Tommy's vision" and "Perilous path" from the chapter Back to Uhyith and Ascension, respectively. The former is the sixteenth chapter of 21, and the second is from the chapter third from last. I wouldn't mind some feedback from fellow gamers out there. So please, if you've got a few minutes, sit back, grab some Cheez-its, relax, and tell me what you think of these:

 

Tommy's vision:

 

Tommy moved over to his next present. Because Twilight had given him a knife, Tommy decided to just look inside the bag first.

 

Inside the bag, Tommy saw an old book with a pinkish-white, polished, pearl-like stone in the center. Above the stone, to the left and right, and below it were strange markings and symbols.

 

Tommy lifted the book out of the bag and stared at the shining stone, entranced. At first, he saw only his reflection, but then other shapes seemed to dance about on its surface.

 

"It's an old spellbook that my grandmother gave to me. She said it would..." Twilight said. Her voice had begun to get quiter at "my grandmother," until it seemed inaudible to Tommy, who was then entirely engulfed in his vision from the stone.

 

First, Tommy saw an enormous mass of fire with the Dragon's head coming out of the front, soaring through the air. Then, a ship sailing for the docks of a snowy island. Then, a cloaked man with a hood drawn down over his face who appeared to breathe fire. Then, a tall, gray, bipedal creature with a long tail and nearly foot long claws, chasing after many frightened people. Then he saw himself reachiing a finger to the sky, only to be struck by lightning and be sent flying down a hill, brutally slamming into trees. When he finally stopped, Tommy saw blood pouring out of him and bones stabbing through his flesh.

 

Then he began to see images of what looked like the tall, black figure he had seen in the swamp, but (as you may have imagined) by then he had seen enough, and, with all his power, he quickly closed his eyes and turned away.

 

"...on the cover sometimes let's you see the future, or--Tommy, are you alright?" Twilight asked.

 

[FAST FORWARD A BIT, to get to the important-ish part]

 

Tommy set the book on the bed behind him, taking care not to look at the stone. He did not even hear what Twilight had said about the stone, and did not realize that what he had seen was the future, otherwise he would have been able to prevent certain events later on.

 

The End!

 

Perilous path:

 

Tommy travelled on the road for almost two hours before he reached the town, by which time he was exhausted. He continued through the town and rested at the foot of the hill. He then fell asleep on the grassy slope.

 

When Tommy awoke, he saw the sun was preparing to rise on a new day. He stretched, followed the trail with his eyes, then looked straight upward at the precipices of Dragon Hill. He prepared for the perilous ascent.

There was a sort of 'stairway' or path carved out of the cliff, wrapping around Dragon Hill, but it was clearly gapped in areas. But Tommy still used it to begin with, going slowly, for the ledge was narrow. He got used to walking on the little protruding surface and was able to quicken his pace.

 

Then Tommy came to the first gap. It was too wide to simply step across, but small enough to jump across. But it seemed much wider and dangerous due to the height of it. He clenched his fists and jumped... he landed safely on the other side, but the sudden impact of his weight caused the thin rock to crack. It was sliding now, Tommy was on it. He barely reacted soon enough, and ran off the loose chunk. But now the entire ledge was unstable, cracking, sliding, with Tommy atop it, racing to the next ledge, on the other side of another gap, safe from the life threatening chain reaction.

 

Tommy was almost there, almost within jump distance. But he realized he didn't have enough time to get to the edge. He jumped as late as he could, barely escaping the falling ledge. Without an inch to spare, he was able to grab the edge of the next protruding path, hanging high above the ground precariously. With much effort, he was able to climb up and continued to ascend the cliff.

 

Tommy didn't run into any more trouble like that. For another hour he climbed. Then he reached the peak, where an immense cave stood before him, sealed at the entrance by great stone doors. He pushed on them with all his might, and they began to slowly open. He didn't open them more than he needed to, and he slid inside.

 

The cave was pitch - black and the air was humid and hard to breathe. Tommy could sense a massive presence in the darkness. As he walked, he stumbled over a rock. The sound of it rolling under his foot echoed off the walls. He heard a loud grumble, not far from him.

 

Suddenly, a glowing, orange eye opened, as big as Tommy's torso, and flooded the cave with light. The Dragon was awake.

The End!

 

 

Feel free to comment if you have any questions or complements or even suggestions for my book.

Thanks for reading,

Doctor Pebphiz

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

BUMP.

 

Hey people, if you come here, you don't have to comment, but can you at least vote? It only takes a few moments. At the time of this typing, it has 18 veiws, and only two votes. What's up with that?

[Shakez 271]

I voted :D.

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

I voted :D.

Thank you. But, why does everyone want to see the Von Kai scene? All three votes so far have been for that. Perilous path is more exciting, and has a more "You want to read more, don't you?" ending.

 

Also, on a side note, I have confirmed access to the short story.

[Shakez 271]

Thank you. But, why does everyone want to see the Von Kai scene? All three votes so far have been for that. Perilous path is more exciting, and has a more "You want to read more, don't you?" ending.

 

Also, on a side note, I have confirmed access to the short story.

Changed my vote.

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

Changed my vote.

I hope that I didn't pressure you into changing it, but I'd say that Perilous path is more exciting anyway.

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

Happy new year, everyone! I was writing more than usual last night, so that's always good. Especially because now I'm almost out of what I call a "sticky zone." It's a part of the book that isn't very exciting, and is just setting up the story. It is filled with points of writer's block, but I am almost to the end of it. Thank you to everyone who voted, and to those that are about to.

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

Seriously, why is there a bunch of people not voting? Even if you don't like to read very much, you could still vote to help me choose which one to put up. But at this rate, only one or two people wll read it, anyway. It's almost depressing... almost.

[Doctor Pebphiz 27]

Hey, that's more like it. Strange that both new votes are for Tommy's vison, but that's a pretty good one. Especially if people want to know more than what happens in the first book, but also into the second and third books as well.

[muDsluG 57]

ahh bless ya.

I think peeps just don't come here to read books -or about them.

You should find a forum for this coz it seems like it would dishearten you if no one pays a lot of attention here. Which is understandable.

I also didn't vote -for the reason above

 

All the best.